The journey to acceptance begins by storying your broken narrative. The power of telling your story is that it will produce your intended meaning. One African proverb says, “Until the lion learns how to write, every story will glorify the hunter.” So share your own story, it will empower both you and the recipients.
When someone repeats your narrative, no matter how articulate and precise he or she is, they will not be able to infuse the fire that defines your very core. Being your own story teller gives you a “triadic advantage”, i.e., being the architect, the craftsmen and owner of the narrative.
My life has been shaped by three important mothers. I cherish them so much. I am a by product of their tender loving-kindness. I want to take this time to appreciate them.
"A mother's arms are made of tenderness and
children sleep soundly in them" Victor Hugo.
Mother 1
MY MOTHER: MY PRAYER WARRIOR
Never underestimate the power of a praying mother. It snatches her children from the jaws of the enemy and places them on a safe haven. Such is this woman. A prayer warrior. Her prayers have save me, my siblings and my dad.
Her advent to this earth is the reason I am alive. She has given birth to me as the first born and my siblings. Through her instructions I am what I am today.
"Her children respect and bless her; her husband
joins in with words of praise" (Pro 31:28, Message).
May she be blessed!!!
Mother 2
MY MOTHER-IN-LAW: MY GREATEST BLESSING
Through this great woman, God handed to a beautiful lady to be my wife.
"A mother gives you a life, a mother-in-law gives
you her life" – Amit Kalantri.
In her frailty, her prayers ascend to the throne above. While she is on her sick bed, her heart goes to her children and lifts them to the merciful Lord. We are grateful to have this woman as our mom.
In the days of Jesus, the crowd moved “in front of Peter’s house. On entering, Jesus found Peter’s mother-in-law sick in bed, burning up with fever. He touched her hand and the fever was gone. No sooner was she up on her feet than she was fixing dinner for him” (Matt 8:14 – 15, Message).
May God extend a healing hand to my greatest blessing!!!
Mother 3
MY WIFE: AN EPITOME OF MOTHERHOOD
While she has not biologically mothered a child, to me this loving woman has the heart of a mother. I have travelled this journey of childlessness with her for the past years. To you my lover I say:
I have seen your tears
I have shared your pain
You have asked so many questions
You have wondered why God kept silent
Painful comments you have endured
On this day, I want to tell you that you are precious
May this day be filled with joy
To other mothers who do not have biological children, childlessness can cause anger and envy. It can sometimes cause us to regret. It may take us back to where we saw signs of being bewitched. We begin weeping, mourning and being sad. When mother’s or father’s day comes, we cringe and almost hide until the day is over. Some will fail to attend church today, in fear of what the preachers may say concerning motherhood. When they say, “happy mother’s day,” remember you may not be a biological mother but one in heart. Tears may fall.
“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning” (Psalms 30:5, KJV).
1. Sharing the emotional burden with those who care is a good starting point. Don’t die in silence. #WeCare
2. Seek out for professional help. Counselling services alleviate emotional pain.
3. Use journaling as a way of releasing pent up emotions.
4. Have an accountability partner that will help you release painful emotions.
5. If someone is causing pain to you, approach that person and help him/her realise how you are feeling. Keeping quiet about it is like keeping a wound covered with a bandage for a long time. It will become septic.
6. Put your trust in God. “Casting all your care upon Him for He careth for you” (1 Peter 5:8).
Marriage is a divinely ordained, inviolable, and sanctified institution. Unfortunately it is rocked by many turbulences as it glides past some sectors of this life. Commitment, allegiance, submission, tender loving care and intimacy are quickly being eroded. Such virtues are replaced by alienation, disaffection, unfaithfulness, and infidelity. Love has become.
One study revealed “that more than one-quarter women who were unable to conceive in a previous relationship were either divorced or living alone in the years following … A study of 47,500 Danish women found that those who don’t have a child after treatment are three times more likely to divorce or end cohabitation with their partner than those who do.”
In an African setting, marriage is honourable. It is treated as a hallowed institution. However, the absence of children becomes the cause for divorce. As an advocate of happy marriages, I want to dispel the African cultural myth that having no child is the grounds divorcing the wife of your youth. Rethink it as an opportunity to bond more tighter with your darling. Marriage is not validated by procreation, love is the glue that cements it.
I was having a week of prayer with children at one of the high schools in the countryside in Matebeleland North province, Zimbabwe. It was a heartwarming experience. I had an opportunity to counsel with the kids, motivate them for their examinations and encourage them to be all they can be.
I was touched to recognise that children are more sensitive to childlessness than adults. One boy lovingly enquired how many children I had. I was reminded of the nine year old that asked me where my child was. I thought for a while whether I should tell him that I have none. Since he had asked me a direct question, I thought it was wise to give him a precise answer. When I told him that I have none, he was so heartbroken that his voice began to quiver and his intonation was marred with grief.
This boy organised his friends to provide ministry to the minister. They did a group presentation that spoke to my heart. In their small way, they showed genuine concern for their childless pastor. They entitled their talk, “How Many Times Have You Called?: Wait and Murmur Not.” In their well coordinated service, they spoke about childless Bible characters in a dignified way.
"Seek the wisdom of the ages, but look at the world through the eyes of a child." - Ron Wild
In their presentation, I saw what Jesus meant when He said, “I’m telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you’re not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in” (Matt 18:3, Message). Speaking of this text John Gill explained that “unless ye learn to entertain an humble, and modest opinion of yourselves, are not envious at one another, and drop all contentions about primacy and pre-eminence, and all your ambitious views of one being greater than another, in a vainly expected temporal kingdom; things which are not to be found in little children, though not free from sin in other respects,” you cannot see the kingdom of heaven.
May all the adults have the attitude of little children as they interact with not only the childless, but all people who have some challenges in life. Children exercise emotional intelligence in handling sensitive issues of life. May we also do so when opening our mouths.
On this day I had failed to accompany my wife to the gynae. The work schedule had become so pressing that I couldn’t go with her. When I met her after she had seen the doctor, her demeanor was not only marred with gloom but it spelt some doom. She tried to hide it from me but I saw that she had a dark cloud of anguish that stubbornly hung over her heart. After a short while she told me that the doctor’s prognosis had convinced her that she is having a serious challenge. In her explanation she mentioned endometriosis – a word I had never heard about in all my life. Love greater than childlessness embraced my wife.
Despite all the challenges she was facing, I decided to love her even more. As this endometriosis awareness month came, my thoughts were taken to this day. Below are a few things every husband can do to support her endo-warrior. I have learnt these through personal experience.
Accompany your wife to the doctor. Companionship can never be replaced.
Assist her to do some chores. Nothing consoles than a husband who cares.
Prepare delicious meals for her when she is struggling with period pains.
When others talk ill about her, protect her. Be her shoulder.
Buy her fresh flowers and tell her she means a lot.
Nothing beats the ministry of presence. If you have nothing to say, it is better to quietly sit with her with your arms around her.
The ministry of touch makes a great difference. You can just sit by her bedside, and rub her back. Passionately touching her without saying much communicates that while she may not be in a position to provide you with sexual satisfaction (during the time of her illness), you still love her with passion.
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” Mignon McLaughlin
Remember no one will care for your wife. You are the only appointed agent to take care of that precious soul. Value her, treasure her, cherish her, she is precious. As I thought about this I wrote a poem dedicated to my wife Soneni Dube.
You Are a Warrior
Anguish that has been with you for a while
Life has made it hard for you to smile
Pain has been the capstone of your life
Your tears have dampened your life’s file
When you walked down the aisle
I did not know that you have to be psychologically agile
I must say, “You are a warrior!”
Some have called you many unfriendly names
You may have lost some that you thought were friends
You name has been trending in some homes
Some things said to you have gotten to your nerves
I must say, “You are a warrior!”
You are a treasure from above
With all my heart I will spread my love
And tell you that you are my dove
With you in my heart to any place I can move
I must say, “You are a warrior!”
By Sikhumbuzo Dube
“Never believe that a few caring people can’t change the world. For, indeed, that’s all who ever have.” – Margaret Mead
When hard times come, our faith is tested. Our allegiance to God is shaken. The prayer life may either become marred with complaints or littered with loss of interest in communion with God. Such moments become a rude awakening of the depth of our faith. One song comes to mind when I think about this. Horatio G. Spafford’s losses did not deter him from seeing the love of God. He took a pen and wrote:
When Peace Like A River
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll; whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul.
Refrain: It is well with my soul, it is well, it is well with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, let this blest assurance control, that Christ has regarded my helpless estate, and hath shed his own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, the clouds be rolled back as a scroll; the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, even so, it is well with my soul.
Woundedness always plagues us as childless individuals. Our prayers seem not to be answered. Women are perturbed by unkind words that come from their in-laws, friends, church or work mates. It may be easier for them to cry and release pent-up frustrations. However, for men, there is secretive mourning, a feeling of lost patriarchy and trying to be “macho men.” The expression of one’s emotional burden is viewed as a sign of depleted manhood. Being a pastor further compounds the problem and may force me to die in silence. In fear of being described as sissy or seeking sympathy of those whom I minister to I may choose to keep to myself. Such moments become truly horrendous situations where tears are shed in fear-moulded crevices and pride-cased cocoons. When this foreboding fort of fear fails to fall, the secretive mourning is perpetuated & the inner rant is furiously seething, there will be emotional implosions and explosions.
The grieving in an African setting is inhibited because the expression of emotions is sometimes not permissible. It is not only men that may sometimes fail to express their feelings. In cases of infant loss, some cultures discourage the bereaved mother to cry. She will not be allowed to bury her child. Old women do that process. In this situation, the one suffering may not have closure. Life may be throwing briers on her pathway. She may have developed psychological blisters by walking barefoot on this painful journey. Her pain will not be regarded. Describing this situation Jody Day once said, “We live with the ashes of invisible dreams, haunted by ghosts that no one but us ever knew . . . If we miscarry, fail to conceive or never have the opportunity to try for a baby, our loss remains invisible and unrecognized by others.“
As a childless man, I realised that there is no one who cares. I have also learnt to ignore my African purview that discourages me from crying. This has helped me to turn my thorns into crowns, my pain into gain, my crying into flying. I can now laugh at absurdity, frown at mediocrity, and scorn malignity. My childlessness will not be fruitlessness. There is more to life than having a big bouncing baby. To every men that has desired to have his own child, it may be deleterious to hide your feelings in the pretext of being man enough. Emotions released is pressure reduced.
“The noblest works and foundations have proceeded from childless men, which have sought to express the images of their minds where those of their bodies have failed.” Francis Bacon
Men who do not take time to cry suffer from some emotional challenges. The societal descriptors of masculinity are sometimes destructive. A study by Vogel, Heimerdinger-Edwards, Hammer, and Hubbard revealed that the help seeking frequency of such men is drastically low although they may be suffering from psychological problems. Consequently, there is a reduction of the lifespan. Below are few suggestions that can help men to cope.
When you are in pain, seek help from others who understand your situation.
Avoid denying your situation – accept that you are a childless man.
Do not try to correct a wrong by another wrong. Trying to have children through other women may give you a child but may not give you peace.
Love your wife. There is no cure stronger than loving your spouse. When true love is given, it heals the one spreading it.
Practice therapeutic kindness — this is ministering to those in pain when you have your own wounds that need healing.
The grief is caused by the child who I psychologically present but physically non-existent. Imagination takes me to a time when I hold a child in my hand and she calls, “daddy, I’m hungry.” I lose something that I haven’t had. An ambiguous loss indeed. That feeling of “I see but I can’t hold it!” may be devastating. Freely communicating about it is therapeutic. The poem I wrote expresses the difficulty of a man to cry.
But I Can’t
Tears are welling up my eyes
Joy vanishing in cloudless skies
Registering pain and my soul’s cries
I’m sick and from anguish I can’t rise
I feel I have to do it, but I can’t
The pathway has been very rough
The journey has been long and very tough
All I have heard is that “I am not man enough”
In agony and fear I can hear them laugh
I feel I have to do it, but I can’t
They say crying is for the godless
Those struggling with lost manliness
And devoid of joy and happiness
Their speech marred with tacky gaudiness
I feel I have to do it, but I can’t
By Sikhumbuzo Dube
“Life with God is not immunity from difficulties, but peace in difficulties.” – C.S. Lewis
I was reading Facebook comments on a post that I shared on a personal experience of being a childless pastor. Most of the responses were giving hope in waiting for a child. Not one gave the prospect of thriving when the answer is a bold “no.” I understood that the culture we are living cannot stand untoward circumstances.
As I went through these comments, my thoughts were drawn to a biblical example when the answer was a “no!” The record is that Michal the daughter of king Saul died without a child (2 Sam 6:23). I said to myself, “There are some who like Michal will die childless. They are battling with an undesirable ‘no.’ They should have a way of thriving amidst such conditions.” Some have tried IVF and failed. Others unfortunately had a hysterectomy before having a child. Some had cases of salpingitis and other advanced endometriosis.
In my culture when one dies childless, he or she is buried together with a rat. This is a sign that the person never contributed biologically to the society. This kind of thinking neglects other achievements that this person will have done. Ironically, in the same culture, people who die having robbed the world of visions, people whose ideas never saw the light of day and whose great dreams were never born are eulogized as heroes.
There are three things to remember when the answer is “no.” Keep them in mind as you wake up, walk tall and win strong.
1. Wake up. When you discover that you will not be able to have a child, it knocks you down. You may decide not to wake up. Life will have thrown you briers. Facing the world will be difficult. There will be many loss reminders like pregnant women and crying infants wherever you go. With the dark fog of gloom clouding your vision, never cast a clout till May be out. There will still be other rainy days. Do not throw in the towel, your life is more valuable than producing a child. Wake up and face the unkind and cruel world. Childlessness is not who you are but part of what you are.
2. Walk tall. The secret to a prosperous life is knowing that challenges in life may make us or kill us. When we compare ourselves with others who have children, we may have a slouchy disposition. In the words of Siphathisiwe Moyo, we are to remember that we are a first rate version of the person we see daily in the mirror. We walk with our head high, knowing that childlessness is like having flu. It does not “define us.”
Never permit any individual to make you feel worthless. Such an attitude will add a spring to your step and oomph to your life. The world is not the same without you. You are a unique shade in the abstract portrait of life. Fight like a Zulu warrior that never gave his back to the enemy.
3. Win strong. You may be wondering who will benefit from your victories. Torrents of self-doubt may be bellowing past your way and blurring your vision. You may be feeling so worthless that you feel like quitting. Remember, winners in any race have felt so, but they pushed and finished strong.
Success can never be the place where you are, but where your vision takes you to. Challenge yourself, improve yourself, dress well and be the best version of yourself. Fight the good fight and focus on winning strong. Though they may bury you with a rat (as in my culture), it should feel privileged to be in a coffin with a game changer who wins strong. We leave you with February’s hope inducing poem entitled: When the Answer is “No!”
A number of years ago when I was in charge of some churches, a little girl aged nine came to me and posed a question I was least anticipating. “My pastor,” she called, “where is your child? I have never seen her.” Being involuntarily childless, I responded, “We are still praying that God may give us one. I have none my dear daughter.” She was both amazed and concerned how her pastor could not have one. She promised to pray for us to receive God’s blessing.
It is sometimes hard when the storm hits the pulpit. The one who is supposed to provide care becomes the care receiver. Talking about my childlessness as a “man of God” may be interpreted as a lack of faith and seeking the sympathy of the flock that I lead. However, Henry Nouwen inspired me when he said that one leadership fallacy “is to think that man can be led out of the desert by someone who has never been there.” Being in this desert of involuntary childlessness, has taught me to take one day at a time, trusting the Lord’s promises and having the audacity to encourage others.
The most painful church service to handle is the dedication of children. This is when mothers who have just given birth, bring their babies to church to be blessed by a pastor. While I will be happy that God’s kingdom has one more candidate that I am dedicating to the glory of God, the pain of childlessness will be ploddingly lingering in my mind. I always remember the priest Zachariah, who though childless, he was serving in the temple. Since the dedication was done in the temple it is likely that he could have dedicated some children.
There are moments when it comes so hard on me. I have to ignore some jokes which are meant to remind me that I am not a man. I have to protect my dear wife from people who are careless in their speech. Seeing my wife roll in the bed responding to uterine pains, brings tears to my eyes. I have to be strong for her and help her through this pain. I always ask God, “Why do you want me to pastor in pain?” I pray like Jesus, “Father let this cup pass.” However, I get the assurance by the Holy Spirit that “My grace is sufficient for thee.”
I have concluded that I am in this condition so that I become the best wounded healer. When someone is talking about childlessness, I do not sympathise, but I empathise. I know the pain and stigma that comes with this. My stumbling block has turned out to be a tool for blessing others who share in my pain.
Sometimes you can feel incapacitated. You may feel worthless. It is normal. Every human being who faces untoward circumstances may feel depersonalised. In looking at pain, I wrote a song that may comfort you in your difficult time. Remember small wings can also fly!!!
Small Wings Can Also Fly
God knows your destination
And he sees your desperation,
Your feet may be swollen
And your heart may be broken.
As your tears begin to fall
His voice begins to call
And it will not cease.
If He can sing a song,
It wouldn’t be wrong.
If He can calm your fears
His voice wouldn’t cease.
Lots of troubles rock around you,
Many people talk about you,
You may be groping in the darkness
Could it be some form of weakness?
Maybe you have lost your hope
God is a fount of hope.
Why hold a broken rope?
Fear not little child
On high places you’ll ride.
Don’t ever stop to try
Small wings can also fly.
Shunem Care 